8 posts tagged “poetry”

***(This is about how it feels for me to come home).***

A weary war of words proceeds to march down my spine
I feel worn out
My footsteps drag up each solid...concrete...frigid step
A pebble jumps in front of my foot and squeaks in indignation as I kick it away, robotically indifferent
My eyes blur, pleading with me for rest
For sleep
For closure
Literally.

My brass key scrapes in rebellion, coaxing the door unlocked in its own way, against my consciousness
A sigh of renewal
A breath of familiar tones
An "I'm so happy to see you!" hug of burgundy splayed across bright, dull white
An eager exclamation of comfort, autumn caught in a 6x8 rug
Soft subtle scents of vanilla seeping in, around, under my skin
I impatiently peel throbbing feet from well-worn shoes
Sprawl into the welcoming arms of 6 feet of cushions
And sleep.

I am home.

A Piece Unfolded

Worn out memories tumble endlessly

Over and over and over and over…

A cage of steel screeches out infernal heat

            with piercing cry of jagged fingernails

            scraping across a newly-painted

            baby blue Mercedes.

Flickering lights entice the mind

            to traipse across reality and

            indulge in maniacal insanity,

            as silver does not fill the famished soul

            of grabbing ghoul.

And foggy glass half-way hides

            peeping parts of human lives

            that stretch out but don’t quite reach

            far enough to tap out their plea

            for freedom

A night of gray, not dark, not light, but

            in between, passes while sun-scorched hands

            shift and sift and fold and pull and part

            and toss each tattered skin.

And so the cycle ends again, and yet

            continues as each day sheds

            another and another and another

            only to be gathered without thought

            or care

to return…

            to the Laundromat.

Joel and I had a BLAST last night!! I couldn't stop smiling while Kara and Patrick got married. It hit me again how interesting a wedding ceremony really is...think about it for a moment.

Two people are standing there, two people who love each other and are ready to jump into that crazy place we call "marriage." Don't try to deny it. You know it's a crazy place. ;) So, picture it...they're standing there, not married yet. Then, bada bing, bada boom, "Do you...?" "Do you..." "yes, yes, yes" and, Ta Da!! You're married! Isn't that interesting? Just a few words, promises...and there you go. You've just been bound together for forever (optimistically speaking). It always hits me as such a strange thing. Don't get me wrong, I'm super excited to marry my own love, but I still find it somewhat strange. In a world where everything seems to be moving more and more towards tangibility, a few words, gushed out enthusiastically in front of friends and family seem to be so insubstantial, in theory.

And, yet....

There was a feeling. A knowledge that God was watching, smiling, accepting these two people into this union because of, yes, the simple words they stated to each other, with their hearts firmly wrapped through every syllable and intonation of each of those words. Yes, God was there. He watched their love take on the incredible challenge of that most crazy, but amazing, level of life called "marriage." Now I know you can't deny that. God was there, and He bound them together, giving credit to their simple vows of love and fidelity. But aren't the most awesome works in all this world usually simple, indeed? A child's laugh, a lover's touch, a shooting star...you know what I mean.

And the reception was SO much fun! :) You gotta have fun! The band was Bayou Roux and, let me just say, they were AWESOME!!! They played a variety of music, all of it good, were very personable and fun, played the crowd well, even let the bride and some other folks participate, including Kara's brother who is a drummer in his own band. It was so much fun!! If I had the money, I would book them today for my own wedding. :/ Alas, I don't have the money, of which they are worth every penny! Joel and I danced the night away and it was absolutely marvelous! He's a very good leader and we just had a great rhythm together. I'm a little sore today, but not as bad as I thought I would be, considering how much and how hard we danced! Oh, it was marvelous! :D

Joel and I came back to CS and took a drive out to the country like we used to when he was living here. That was really nice. I love doing that. Out in the country, the sky is so clear, everything is so quiet and peaceful, the stars are so bright...we just sat and talked for a while, sharing our thoughts on lots of different things. It was very nice to spend that time with an old friend.

Well, in tribute to love and marriage and all the faith, effort and joy found in them, I will leave y'all with another poem. I wrote this many years ago and it's very different than my usual poems. I wasn't chasin' any demons with this one. :P In fact, I didn't really like it because it was, and remains, one of the "sappiest" poems I ever wrote. But, then, who said love is anything, but? :P Take care and God bless! ~Nefilinda
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A Heartbeat

I turn to you

Your face is uplifted, eyes closed

As though you are praising

The scorching wheel of Apollo’s chariot.

Our fingers are intertwined

Like vines that wrap around each other

In tightly curled matrimony.

Will you always be by my side?

As my Orpheus,

And I, your Eurydice…

If Death snatched my soul,

Would you traverse the darkest hell

And enchant immovable hearts

To lead me back to the wonder of your love?

A twist of myth…

I would not be left behind,

Honey-voiced lover,

But would follow you

Until our eternities melted together

And became One

Then moved together to form forever.

My love, my fate, my destiny

Who, without, I could not be.

Oh, whisper words that move like stars

And I will catch each one

In my heart’s net.

You, my completion,

And I,

Your everlasting companion.

***So, I think there's a common theme in a lot of my writings...but, hey, what can I say?  I write to release the demons inside.  So it stands to reason that what I produce would have a common theme.  Either way, here's another I wrote a few years ago.*** 

Lonely Depths

A whispered roar of waves

Crashed against her seashell ears;

A memory adrift inside her mind

Tossed and tumbled by her past.

No means to purge her stormy thoughts-

She came to scorching sands

And scalding waters

To cleanse her soul;

Scorn, guilt washed over her instead.

“LIFEGUARD OFF DUTY’

No one to save her now…

Rolling white crests taunted and teased,

“Come and play,

Be reborn in an ocean of foam”

Her silent step ignored her screaming heart,

Ocean hands grabbed her ankles,

Massaged her unwilling legs;

“Close your eyes

Forget about despair”

Haunting siren song lured her

From further off, beyond her reach.

She released her torment

And whispered surrender

To roaring

silent

waves.

Lonely Depths

Forks

The turmoil of indecision screams within

            my bleeding mind

Her banshee cry berates my ambivalence

            between feeling and logic

I twist and struggle among leeches that

            suck sanity from my soul

And the bitter scent of defeat wafts up

            to my face

Stretching gaunt, rotting fingers that

            grasp bits of brain and memories

I cannot think, and I inhale the putrid

            smell of unanswered prayers

I cannot see the path I should traverse

The troll-strewn walk of ghouls and time

Forks in three:

            Grime and naught fade off my

               left

            Song and thought float at my

               right

            And straight ahead of my straining

               eyes, as my heavy head lifts

            Slowly…

The road to bliss, my heart’s desire:

Simple certainty.

I don't often write poetry on the topic of....*whisper* love.

But as I reflected on the cynicism I wielded as a shield towards all of those "other" people, and compared/contrasted what I was now experiencing myself with Fernando, these words tumbled from inside of me onto paper (12/30/07).  He doesn't know I wrote this about him.  ;) 
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            sizzling electricity

                                simmering with hope

rushes of desire

-one glance-

(is it real?)

                    
           cataclysmic intrigue

                                persuasive with promise

            floods of pleasure                                                                                                                                     

-one word-

(is it real?)

               
           melodious excitement

                                enticing with eternity

            currents of ecstasy

-one touch-

(is it real?)

scattered images                            

f              l               o             a              t              i               n             g

      with me

                                                up here…………………………………………………on cloud nine

(it can’t be real.)

but then…

crashing DOWN

                                    to Reality

 
I see him completely

                               
        unveiled

                        real

                        imperfect

And then, enlightened, emboldened, clear-sighted by  truth, I

F

    A

        L

            L

in love.

(this is real.)

I found out this morning that a woman I know left her home in the middle of the night with her three young children to begin her long journey to freedom from an abusive man.  She and her children are safe for now, for which I am grateful.  I don't understand it.  I never have.  And it tears me up inside.  I can't write more right now...it's too raw.

I wrote this almost three years ago.  Finding this out today made me think of what I wrote.  The only question, one which I feel will always remain, is...why? 

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July 31, 2005

Chains

When it all came down to the end of the road

I didn't know where I was going.

My steps were steady, my head held high

     But my eyes betrayed me:

I was confused and from my confusion came

         Pain

               Doubt

                       Fear

Little embers, remnants of days past

But fully ignited by your watchful care

---Not so watchful after all---

Not too presumptuous to confess the truth:

(At least in my mind it is)

Your control only stretched so far,

Never quite possessing the part of me that grew to

         Hate you

                    Despise you

                                    Murder you

In that one small part of me;

Miniscule, really, against the giant passion I held for you

      (Still hold for you).

But power comes from unbidden sources

And mine replenishes every day.

Amidst the agony of fluctuations

             The power and control revert to me.

For how can a memory---intangible, insubstantial, cancerous---yield power?

                           IMPOSSIBLE!

And you are, for me, just a memory now.

    Strike One.

At least I tell myself you are-

And words are more powerful than thought.

With your words you tore me apart because they

           Slashed

                       and

                              Maimed

                                          and

               Ripped open the wounds

I had so carefully nursed and hidden for so long.

Words.

Yours mean nothing to me now.

Empty words are like faded memories.

    Strike Two.

Yet actions speak louder than words.

If your words tore at me,

Your deeds KILLED MY SOUL!

Your lying lips caressed me with the devil's own searing heat.

You promised heaven and sent me to hell.

But I have escaped.

    Strike Three,  You're Out

Of my life,

My mind,

My heart.

As it all comes down to the end of the road,

I don't know where I'm going.

But I do know what I'm leaving behind:

and I'm never looking back.

The explanation:

Yeah, I know it's intense and stuff.  Eh, well, everyone's gotta have some kind of outlet.  It amazes me how much people abuse each other and never realize the damage they can do.  It takes a strong and amazingly special person to break the cycle of abuse.  Above all, it takes God.  Not that those who get trapped in it can really be blamed for the horror that they endure.  I mean, there always comes a point where you can choose what you do with your experiences.  Some feel so trapped that they don't even realize they have that choice.  Sigh...it's sad, really.  It breaks my heart.  I wish I could take the hurt of everyone who has had to go through any of it and just absorb it so that they wouldn't hurt anymore.  Sometimes I wish I could just grab those chains of destruction and break them, even though doing so would rip my own hands open.  But those chains can't usually be broken by an outsider, though their support and encouragement help those in the chains to break them.  But only those on the inside understand what binds someone in that cycle.  Only another insider can really understand.  But I send my thanks to all of those, insiders and outsiders, who have stood by and grabbed a link in that awful chain and held on with all their might, doing everything they can to help break it.  You are God's angels on earth.  And you'll never know how much you help. 

P.S.  It's not a love poem...it's not about a broken heart.  It's about empowerment.  It's about breaking the cycle; not just taking off the shackles, but really BREAKING the chains.  It's about recognizing that you have a choice and then making the right one.  It's not about someone else.  It's about me. 

We all know this feeling.  The "I'm actually going to put myself OUT there" feeling.  So, I'm taking the plunge.  I would like some feedback.  But I'll be honest enough to request no BRUTAL honesty. :P  Honesty, yes, but, really, "constructive criticism" or anything else would be great.  Writing is therapeutic for me, but I've never been one to consider myself a star in anything.  Anyway, I'm starting to ramble.  hehehe
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Child’s Play

It’s just a game

                A child’s game, really

Feather boa---bright pink

Over-sized shades sliiiiiiiiiding off the nose

Throw in a 10-gallon straw hat

Maybe a mu mu, just for good measure

Oh, and don’t forget the high heels that flop and slap with every step

A child’s game:  Dress up

Let’s pretend, for just one moment

Let’s play, escape for a while

For what is reality, but our perspective?

The view from inside

                       my head

                         is real

                         to me

It’s just a game,

                A desperate game, really

Hide the darkness crashing loudly against the shores of absolute reality

Mask the evil thoughts that claw at sanity

Over-sized smile, brighter than Christmas morning

Throw in cheerful chatter, just for good measure

Maybe some witty humor

Oh, and don’t forget the peaceful calm

A desperate game:  Dress up.

Let’s pretend, for just one moment...

The question remains:

                When the games are over

                When the masks crumble

                When “pretend” disintegrates into pathetic pieces of truth…

                                                                       which is actually truth?

What’s behind the mask is real.

But the mask is real, too…

Is it a mask?

That question remains

Always

Let’s play.