QotD: *Lightbulb Goes Off*
What was the last great epiphany you had?
Submitted by Ross.
I realized that one of the deepest issues I have is that I am just not very comfortable with "everything going my way." I crave happiness, like any person does, and yet, when it comes my way, I am absolutely, positively convinced that I don't deserve it and start...hmm, how to put it? Well, I freak out. If I follow the rules for too long, and people notice and start to develop this image of me as a "really good girl," I somehow feel deceptive, as though they just don't know the REAL me. Because the REAL me is messed up and far beyond the realms of "goodness." I probably pick fights a little more than I should. And, yet, I try very hard to be polite and demure...to people I'm not close to. I have found that I tend to lash out on the closest people to me, especially on my "bad" days. But I'm sweet and warm as melted sugar on my "good" days.
The conclusion being that it all boils down to my self-image, which is absolutely rotten. And, yet, over the past few years, and even moreso with Fernando in my life, I have caught glimpses of the sweet girl inside that I really DO want to be. All that other dysfunction stems from wounds that I'm still trying to heal from. So I have to get comfortable with happiness and goodness...allow myself the "ok" to have those good things. Convince myself that I really am worth it, and it's okay to feel that. I have to learn to see myself the way so many others claim to see me. I don't see it yet, but I am starting to catch the slightest glimpses. It's a mess, I know. But there you have it. In the meantime, while I'm not yet comfortable with those things, I can at least be aware of it, and try not to sabotage myself, as I usually do. Fully aware that I'm doing so. But I feel awareness is a key factor, so that is the step I'm on. Okay. There you go. ~Nefilinda
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Comments
It took me many, many years to realise and understand that actually I am "OK", that I'm worthy. I am still working on it. It's a journey to be travelled rather than a destination to be reached, I think. Accepting (yes, I do mean accepting) that one deserves to be happy, to have good things, to be complimented, and be fulfilled is a massive step along that path.
Seeing yourself as others see you is important, but also complex and difficult. Honestly, I think it's also quite okay to never "get it", but only as long as you accept other people's view of you is different. Sometimes that's what makes you who you are. Some of the most wonderful people I know, don't really have a clue as to why and what makes them wonderful, and that is all part of what makes them so. I wonder if they were more aware, that some of that quality and value would be lost.
I'm glad you are on the path and thank you for sharing your epiphany :)
It's taken many years to even reach the point I'm at, and I can imagine that it will continue to be a long process...it often gets discouraging and disheartening and tiresome, but what else can one do but keep moving forward?
I realize that different people will see me in different ways. I just realize that I shouldn't beat myself up so much and that I should probably stop denying EVERY SINGLE compliment I receive. As you wrote, it is definitely complex and extremely difficult. But I just have to keep hoping that it's a worthwhile journey. It is, isn't it? :) You seem to be doing pretty well. :)
By the way, your comments are very different than your posts...thank you for sharing both. I, and I'm sure many others, appreciate very much the entirety of what you share of yourself. :)
Those people that you wrote about...what do you see that makes them so wonderful?
Yes, it's a long and difficult process. I have my bad days still, but they are fewer and farther between and they don't have the major impact in knocking sideways they used to have. I still have my weak points but I'm working on them. More importantly, I'm working on recognising in myself the feelings and traits that are my Early Warning System for feeling really negative about myself. And I've stopped looking for validation in the areas where I knew deep down I wasn't going to get it. Very important, that bit.
On compliments: I still struggle with that to some extent, but if you think of a compliment as a gift from one person to you it might help. You wouldn't receive a gift and put it down without looking at it, change the subject so as to ignore it, or discount it by saying to their face that it's not right? If you wouldn't do any of the above to a gift, then why would you do it to a compliment. By denying them their compliment and their wish to give you a gift, you're actually denying them something they want to feel for themselves, something they want to give to you, and something they wish you to know. In that sense, denying yourself a compliment denies the other person too and is actually quite a selfish act ;)
I suppose my posts are triggered by a different part of me than my comments. It's probably the mischevious, creative and slightly "out there" me, rather than the hopefully caring, considerate and sensitive me. I'll have to think on it, it's an interesting point.
As a summary of the wonderful people, I think I'd say that I see in them, no matter how they might struggle with themselves, that they are willing to give to others. Their time, their care and concern, their humour, their energy. I think when you know that a person who has their own internal battles is quite willing to help you fight yours, then that's a wonderful thing and a very appealing thing.
:)
I actually am okay with receiving compliments when others give them...I just don't internalize them because I simply don't believe what they say and quickly place all the blocks in my mind to prevent me from believing what they say. It's a sticky situation. But I know what I think/feel when I sincerely offer others a compliment (everything you said above) and so I really do try to be gracious when others offer me that.
Oh, blast it all, it's such a mess, but I really am a lot better than I used to be and don't project the negative thoughts and feelings as much as I used to when I didn't know how to deal with them or handle them. The way I see it, it's kind of like any other chronic disease...you know it's there, and you learn how it affects your life, how to deal with it, and how to combat it as best you can. You don't let yourself be completely overcome with it and you keep pressing forward until...well...I don't know what is at the end of that "until" but, blimey, you keep pressing forward! :)
I'm pretty glad that your posts and comments are the way they are...your sense of humor is refreshingly witty and wonderful, and I guess the first time you commented on one of my posts, I had to go back and make sure it was the same person who had conjured up all those funny posts. :P I was pleasantly surprised at the depth and consideration in your comment(s), so, again, thanks for both sides that you share.
I agree 100% about what you said about other people...and, you know, at the end of the day, I really don't know anyone who isn't struggling with their own internal battles. So, yes, when they show and give of themselves as they do...wonderful seems to be just the right word.
I have an inkling that you are one of those people. :)
No. Seriously. I think you are *shifty eyes*
I have been thinking about this very thing myself--how do I sort out what's "real" from my--I believe sadly distorted--self-perception and how others respond to/interact with me (also, I believe, sadly distorted)? It's very difficult, and often times I treat everything like a buffet. One day, I have a craving for self-pity and depression. And on Tuesday, hmm...I'll have a second helping of peace and contentment, thanks!
Most days are full of moments where I doubt myself, and it seems that underneath everything, really is a deep abyss that can engulf me at any moment. I suffer from feelings of total failure and unlovable-ness...those are hard feelings to get over. I tend to function like you hinted at: different façades of myself. Like you, when people say kind things about me, I tend to negate them by asserting, "If they only knew what I'm really like, they wouldn't say that." But, on really bad days (and let me assure you, I have REALLY bad days!), it helps to think about those nice words. They become a sounding board for my negative energy, and they become my life vest. Surely, there must be something good and redeemable in me that they are responding to?? Surely, Heavenly Father loves me enough to put these people into my life if not for the express purpose of saying what they do to me?? Surely...??
And thoughts like that help--not completely remove. But help :)
Just the other day, Rob and I were cleaning out our closet, and I found a pile of cards from my bridal showers and wedding that I kept from the many we received. Yours was in there. I remember how you, Ashley, and Holly all drove down for my shower, and it seriously was the best part of the entire day...I would venture to say the best gift I got! Your actions validated me in a way no words could have, especially during that difficult time in my life.
I also remember how you would invite me over to dinner with a bunch of people, and how you sat through the new member discussions with me, how you encouraged me to seek a sick blessing, how you showed me what it was to truly feel blessed in having a Patriarchal Blessing.
So, suffer me to say...I think you're great. :)
You know, it's interesting to me to note how much of a trend this is...no matter how well-adjusted, happy, or peaceful people seem to be, I am finding more and more that there is usually a current of self-doubts running underneath that surface. It makes me wonder what we're all doing to each other!! I know that men suffer with this, too, but since I'm a woman, I see how badly it affects women and I hurt for them. Because, often, these women (people) are so amazing. I know I don't see it when people tell me that, but (for some irrational reason) I just DON'T understand when other people don't see what I see in them. hehehe...a bit ironic, don't you think?
Needless to say, I think you're absolutely amazing and would not have guessed that you struggle with those things. Knowing how it is, I empathize with you. But I'm happy that you can recall those words and regain a measure of peace, and also that you are married to a man who will walk by you through life and support you when necessary and just love you as you deserve to be loved...which is a WHOOOOOOLE lot. :)
Thank you again for everything you said. You really are great, Sara... :)
Or more specifically being at peace. Being at peace with oneself, with one's history, with one's surroundings. It doesn't necessarily mean being so happy I could skip naked through the summer meadows with the bunny rabbits (this will be a relief to many people I am sure), but it means being at peace enough with myself that fighting anything/anyone (including me) is no longer an option.
So, here's to being at peace :)